Aspirations. Frustrations. Acceptance

When I was young, I’ve always dreamt of becoming someone that cannot be ignored by many. During my early years in elementary education, I told my parents and anyone who cared to listed that someday I’ll become an astronaut. I’ll walk on outer space! Complete with space suit!

I was fascinated in heavenly planets back then, which is not to say that I am not fascinated with them anymore. I am still curious about heavenly bodies. Both of them ha ha ha.

Like all childish dreams, it was soon extinguished into existence by other “dreams” (I was a very impressionable kid back then). Some of those who found their way on my list were Firefighter, President, Garbage Collector, Jet Pilot, Scientist, Mathematician, Physicist, Musician, Pianist, Composer, Drummer, Guitarist, Programmer, and lastly, Psychologist.

The last one was dreamt by a kid disguised as a senior high school student who is months away from going to college. Well, it turned out that he had really taken the path of studying the mind. Even though most people told him that taking up Computer Science would be better suited to his temperament and mindset, he persisted. He wanted to prove that he wasn’t wrong in choosing this path.

And he was not. For now. His new dream is something most people around him thought as funny or ridiculous: Human-Computer Interaction.

When I was still in high school, back in the time when I was still dreaming to be a musician (see above), I had this gift of being able to play by ear. That, combined with my training in classical piano, proved to be useful, both in expressing myself, as well as attracting a couple girls. Most of my “mimicry” however, started as a sort of obsession to duplicating the music I liked. I never thought that people around me would find that cool.

Years of stay in college relatively eradicated those abilities. I can’t even remember my pieces, though most of them I can play without looking at my hands when I found the right tune. As if my mind forgot it, but my hands didn’t. That is, until I was distracted, which basically makes my hands forget everything they’ve played.

Now I was frustrated by the fact that I cannot even play by ear anymore. Am I doomed to forget this talent?

I also dreamt of becoming a writer, but to summarize, I am sort of lazy, and prefer to think than write.

I remembered in a book I read once that you must dream or want to write, not want to be a writer. Wanting to write and wanting to be a writer are two different things. The latter does not reveal the difficulties and obstacles faced by writer before an opus comes to them.

Maybe I am just dreaming to be someone special. Maybe that is why perfection is a very cruel standard for me. I cannot achieve perfect things. I can only start something. I can only innovate, but not perfect it. Why was I obsessed in doing something different? Maybe too prove that I am also someone. Maybe that dream of becoming someone that cannot be ignored by many is still my dream. Or maybe I am just crazy boy living in a cynical, unforgiving world. Structure or agency?

I guess whatever time has store for me, it would do me good to just let myself flow with the current. Or maybe not.


~ by rosmant on August 30, 2008.

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