Maybe its brighter tommorow

"Brighter. Then hope. Then salvation.

Maybe, though it looks like I will fail. I will fail my friends. I will fail my academics. I will fail my parents. I will fail myself.

Today I refused to go to class. Call it laziness. But I don’t have the inclination to study. Do not lecture me about why going to class and studying is so important. I know the logic. I know the reasons. But I don’t have the strength.

Yes, because my strength has been taken away from me. By people I don’t know and yet I loathe. By people who will leave me here, though I do understand the reasons and circumstances why they will leave me.

Hate. But it wasn’t hate. Or maybe I don’t want to admit that it was hate. Maybe its a bit too late – I am two years away to young adulthood – but I am now passing a stage where I do not understand myself anymore.

The struggle to provide explanations to everything. To reject the concept that there are givens in this world. To discover if what I believe is really grounded on reason and not based on givens.

Now, after 18 years of trying to explain myself, I’m here right now, sitting in front of the Mac, typing on my blog post about how I could not understand myself.

Maybe I lost the will to live. Or more accurately, the will to carve my destiny.

Fifteen years of having academics as my life, I now found myself doing the unthinkable when I was younger – I didn’t go to class.

Fail? But the only thing that prevents me from dropping all my subjects is the fact that if do that, I just wasted 6,000 worth tuition.

Am I still making sense? Because I don’t even understand why. Why do things have to happen this way?

I just want to scream. To scream like what I do in high school. To let out a howl that may shock my system back.

Reboot? But my system won’t boot. It needs something. Like an updated kernel. Like a boot manager. Like a desktop environment. Like an interaction partner (same with user, but I don’t like the term).

Insane? Who is sane? YOU? HAHAHAHA!

Annoyed? Go away!

HAHAHAHAHA!

I am a deviant and your a coward hiding behind the veneer of your civility.

But if I am a deviant, then I should be happy. But I am not.

I am not happy. Even if I make you laugh. Even if I seem to be happy.

Love? What do you know about love? You, with your silly love movies, silly love songs, silly love TV shows, what do you know about love? The love commodified by media and puked by you TV sets, by your cinemas, and your mp3’s and radio stations?

HAHAHAHAHA! No wonder we have wars and crimes.

I digressed, this is not about you, this is about me.

But even I am sick of this.

Want to change my views? SHOCK ME!

I lost control of my life. All I have done, will all of this go waste?

Give me back my life."

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~ by rosmant on July 2, 2007.

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