Lost in unexplainable temporal dimension

Depression mode kicks up today.

You start walking. Down to that empty street at 8 PM. Only the flickering lamp posts illuminates your way. You drag your body towards the main road where the jeepneys going to SM North tracks their lonely way.

You wait in the sidewalk. No jeepneys coming in your way. You sit in the sidewalk. You look at your shadow. You suddenly become aware of another being within your sphere of influence. You turn to look at your right to see a fellow student waiting for a jeepney. That’s the first and last time you looked at him that night.

Memories of what you’ve read last night flashed on your mind.

Your very smart groupmate sarcastically reminds you of the importance of the project of your major subject. Your groupmate then proceeded to enumerate their various hardships of doing the group project, then rebukes you for not contributing or participating.

Your first impulse was to tear this groupmate into pieces. But as you argue with yourself, you realize that maybe you’re the real jerk. You’re the one who doesn’t have the power to participate in discussions. Besides no one knows the problems and dilemmas you face. You don’t bother to tell anyone. No one is part of your life. No one can really help.

So you try to solve your problems yourself. You try to do the seemingly impossible. You face your nightmare without aid. You feel like you’re on a sinking ship with no more lifeboats. Or better yet in a crashing plane.

Your groupmate does not know your sickness, the eventual and probable death that hangs on your neck.

No one knows because you chose to go in your own lonely way, much like the one you’ve trekked this evening in the cold empty streets of the University.

You felt ashamed and embarrased of the things that you enumerate to yourself. You feel that you’re justifying your failures and responsibilities, something that you don’t like.

You consider thanking instead the groupmate who shocked your system. The one who waked you from your pathetic self-created world. The outside world seen inwardly.

You cast the streaming thoughts away. People, both you know and don’t know, mistakes you for an autistic individual, because in your eyes they see that its staring at nothing, a sign that the person is looking inside the self.

Maybe the temporary companion felt that he is in the presence of a psychophatic idiot, and that’s why he walked away from you.

In the darkness of the road you saw the light. Headlights. A jeepney is finally coming in your way.

As the jeepney slowly stops at your front, a desperate longing for salvation flashed in your mind.


~ by rosmant on September 18, 2006.

One Response to “Lost in unexplainable temporal dimension”

  1. ah hmm… parang… medyo… tapos… thx…

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